I read those blogs and I end up walking away from the computer, or putting down my phone, feeling like 'Sure I could do that, hell I SHOULD do that...' They inspire me, sometimes I will even do more research and consider starting something up myself. Somewhere between twenty minutes and 5 days later, however, I realize what a complete idiot I was for even thinking I could aspire to those heights. I don't exercise. I never have. I doubt that I ever will with any real conviction. Here are my reasons why:
Gyms
At first it would seem that a gym would be a great idea! (yes exclamation point because otherwise I might not get excited about this whole exercise thing) To begin with I would be paying membership dues, unless I get it free somehow through work (which did happen once, will get into that later), and that might just kick me in the pocketbook enough to actually use their services instead of letting the money go to waste. They have trainers who will help keep me motivated and teach me the proper way to do all this healthy physical stuff, they have classes like yoga, zumba, spin and hey all of those sound fun. So yeah maybe I should join a gym!
Except... To begin with I have to get to the gym. And this may sound easy, you get your stuff, you get in the car, you drive there. But I have two small children, so this becomes monumentally more difficult. Now I must find someone to watch my children, on a regular enough basis to make this membership fee worth my while.
I could ask my husband, I am probably owed a few hours a week of time without the children and since he is half of the reason they are on this planet in the first place maybe he should be the one to take them. But there is that 'regular basis' thing that makes this hard. Being the breadwinner in the family he has a lot to do, until recently he was holding down a job and going to school in the evening, and when he isn't going to school he is often working overtime hours. And since weekends often revolve around family activities (and I would really need to go more than one a week anyway), this can be difficult to work out.
I could get a baby sitter. I could find someone to come over and take care of the kids for me. I would have to find someone, and convince them to regularly take my children off my hands, which means realistically I would need to pay them. So now I am not only paying a membership fee, but now I am also paying a babysitter. This is getting expensive. And possibly scheduling-wise complicated.
I could just find a gym that has a child care watching facility. I use the term facility loosely... I imagine these 'facilities' are really just colorfully painted rooms stuffed with toys and maybe a TV where some college kid sits around watching my kid for an hour or so. While I have never verified this, I admit this completely, I would suspect that the price for such a gym goes up, again back to expensive. And while I am actually, almost, completely ok leaving my children for an hour or so with another human being that I have not done a complete back ground check on prior to this occasion, I am not sure how well it would work. My son would be very upset about not going to 'work out' with mommy, especially once he caught sight of all those glittery child smashing machines in the gym. In addition I would have to get the kids ready... pack the diaper bag, get them in the car, out of the car, wrangled past the machines and into the colored room... I was not planning on doing half of my regiment before I even arrived.
But okay, I pick one of those solutions albeit not a perfect one and actually get rid of my beautiful children so I can exercise... now what?
First I would have to venture into the locker room. Need I really go on? What woman actually enjoys a locker room? Do you change out in the room, where everyone can see you, and the pair of panties you wore that inevitably have a stretched out waist band? Or do you go into the stall and seem prudish? Do you weigh yourself on the conveniently placed scale by the door? Do you shower before the workout? After the workout? Is there a system for obtaining a locker, and a lock? And dear lord how many different scents of perfume can actually mix together before it becomes a hazardous gas?
If I have not completely broken down of an anxiety attack at the locker room then it is time to actually venture out into the gym floor and do what I intended to do in the first place, exercise. It seems that there are two types of gyms, those that allow both genders and those that allow only women. I have several friends who love going to only women gyms, they claim it really helps them focus and feel less judged. To these comments I have always nodded as if I knew what they were talking about, when in fact I admit I have no clue. I would never join a women only gym. First reference my comment about perfume above. Second, what do you mean they don't judge you? Women are some of the most judgmental and nasty creatures I have ever met. They might not say it to my face, but I know as soon as I leave that locker room they are at least reviewing every single stitch of my elasticly-disabled underwear mentally, if not in whispers to each other. Honestly I would prefer a gym full of men, preferably hot men. I know that I look decent enough to get a few looks and I might get some real full on flirts too, and what woman couldn't use a little ego boost like that now and then? I do not want some girl who weights twenty pounds more than me spotting me and telling me to give it all I can, when I suspect secretly she is hating me for being twenty pounds lighter than her and could at any moment drop the bar on my chest. No I want some cute guy (who is oblivious to my underwear issues) with a six pack smiling down at me and asking me how my day went...
Um.. where was I? Oh yes... gyms, with all those hot sweaty men in them. I do not think this beautiful ideal gym with free child care and hot men just lining up to help spot me exists. And in lieu of that I think I should reconsider where to work out.
At Home
Well this sounds like a nice compromise. I no longer have to get rid of the children completely. This feat can be accomplished while they are asleep, either during a nap or before I go to bed (waking up early to exercise is such an absurd idea I will not even pretend to list it here), or if I am super awesome and creative with them somehow. I do not have to worry about what I am wearing, the kids and husband have all seen my stretched out panties and do not care, or maybe it is just that I don't care if they do. Okay, let us try this at home!
Hmmm... first problem. I have no idea what I am doing. Beyond high school, where Coach used to make us run stair laps, I have had no formal education in the proper way to exercise. Not that this is beyond my capabilities. This is 2014, I have a computer with internet hookup and access to a public library. Researching this can be extremely overwhelming, however. Knowing which system is the best, which video or workout plan will really work to target the areas you want targeted while not killing you is not easy. To do this I usually do a quick and dirty search and pick the system that has the least amount of poses and directions to start with, always under the theory that I will pick up more once I get the hang of those. When it comes to actually practicing what I have found it gets more sticky. I am always doubting if I am doing the exercise correctly, with no one else there to give advice it can be unnerving, especially knowing that doing the exercise wrong could result in injury or even worse no actual benefit. This does not help the process any.
When selecting the program I am going to follow by myself I am also limited by the fact that I am not a gym. I have no equipment. There are no exercise balls bouncing around in my basement, no tread mills, or light weights, no stretchy band things or fancy poles (once I found an exercise regiment that claimed it only needed a wall, the catch was it needed enough clear wall space to accommodate my leg span... which I did not have). So I either have to go and spend a small fortune on equipment I will hopefully, but not realistically, use, or skip anything that seems too complicated for my exercise less house.
Finally, as any stay at home mom can attest, finding that time to exercise, especially when it is not something completely scheduled out and virtually immovable, is harder than it sounds. I might decide to exercise during naptime for instance. Only to get three minutes into my regime and suddenly hear a loud blood curdling scream erupt from the bedroom. After helping my daughter recover her blankey from under her bed I seem to have lost my steam. Besides, it might be best that I did not start back up, ten minutes later I am summoned to my sons room who has had yet another potty training accident...
Standard Excuses
Exercise is good for you though, so I break down and decide that I need to do it, no matter where I do it. Once I was actually fortunate enough to have a gym available to me for free at work, this was even before I had children. I could go during my lunch break, or right after work. So I did, kind of. Inevitably the cycle would go something like this. I would work out regularly for two or three weeks, and then something would happen and I would stop. Four months later I would start again, get in another two or three weeks and then stop. This went on for three years. The reasons I stopped then are often the same reasons I stop now.
Weather plays a big part in this. I do not mind weather. I love thunderstorms, I find snow falls peaceful, hot sunny days are invigorating, cool fall days are relaxing. However, if I have to actually go outside... it had better be a nice spring day. The gym at my work was in another building, and if it was raining too heavily, snowing, frigidly cold or even too windy for me I would talk myself out of going, or would 'wait to see if it would clear up' which was almost the same as not going. Inevitably the next day it would be easier to convince myself that the weather again was too bad to go out and soon enough it had been a week and I was back on my four month hiatus.
Health also plays an important role. I get colds every winter, and every spring. As soon as I begin sniffling I stop exercising. My immune system needs to rest and spend it's energy kicking some germ's butt. At least that is my reasoning. Mainly I do not want to do anything strenuous like exercise when I feel like hell. A night of insomnia has a similar effect on me. Sleepy me also refuses to do anything strenuous. Logically I understand that exercise will help boost my immune system and also level out all those soupy chemicals in my body to help me sleep better. Apparently it takes more than three weeks of good behavior to reap these benefits, though, and I have never made it longer than that to attest to the actual results myself.
Then there is the issue of pain. Exercise hurts. When one is as out of shape as I am there is no getting around it. I can distinctly recall trying to follow a video on getting your abs into shape after having a baby. I made it through the first ten minutes, barely, my stomach was aching after the first round of creative crunches. During the next ten minutes the instructor did what I have come to learn is a side plank. She even explained that right after having your child it might be difficult and that you can start by putting your hips on the floor and build up to a point when you can lift them off with the rest of your body. Through my tears I laughed as I clumsily tried to position my body, in the easier position, and failed, my poor tired abs collapsing and leaving me in a heap on the floor instead of the pretty side plank the pretty blonde was in. The next day I did not try it again, I had endured enough.
So there it is, my list of excuses. I do not like gyms. I find exercising at home to be confusing and difficult to fit into my schedule. Even if I do commit myself to something I quickly find that weather, my health and my overall lack of fitness stops my progression any further.
I understand all of the benefits of exercise, but I cannot seem to make it work. My journey toward a healthier me is not over yet, and perhaps someday I will find something that actually works for me and I will stick with it, I'll blog all about it if I do I am sure. For now though I don't, and if you don't either maybe you won't feel so bad about it, you are not alone.
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