Weight.
We are obsessed with it, men, women even children and our
culture reflects that obsession back at us.
It is near impossible to do anything from watching tv, checking the
mail, using our phones, our computers, listening to the radio, going shopping
or e3ven just driving in the car with out catching some reference to a weight
related issue. As the increased level of
obesity becomes more apparent the intensity of this cultural discussion grows.
And yet as so eloquently stated by Lynsey on LunaLuna in her
blog, not all of us are as welcome at the table to discuss the matter. Today, though, I am going to try and make my
way to this table, and pardon my boney elbows on the way.
Let’s start this discussion with some honesty. I tip the scales at a grand 125, at a height
of only 5’6”, the most I have ever weighed was 150 and that was during the
third trimester of my second pregnancy.
So I’m small – thin – skinny – petite- tiny – slender – and so
forth. With that said I will admit that
I am not that helpful in discussions about weight loss. I have no idea what it is like to be
overweight, being pregnant is the closest I have come (and frankly I felt like
a huge whale and hated it). I do not
understand the struggle to lose weight, if anything I have always had issues
with just gaining weight. A high
metabolism that was apparent from day one coupled with personal issues dealing
with anxiety and stress that manifest themselves as eating disorders being my
personal reasons for this.
When it comes to eating disorders though my case is not ‘textbook’
anorexia or bulimia and so I am not completely welcome at those round tables
either.
I do not really exercise (more on this later), and while I
try to eat better I am by no means a healthy food expert. I frequently end a day by eating dinner with
a salad and then stuff myself with chips or cookies once I have put the
children to bed. So, yeah… my advice on
eating well is probably a bit hypocritical.
When it comes to basic body image, though… and how culture
(and fellow women) treats the issue of weight as a whole I find I actually have
a lot to say.
First, lets get something straight – I am a woman, and being
a woman there are plenty of things that I do not like about my body, that
tendency is written in our genetic code I believe. Now don’t get me wrong, I do not completely hate
my body. It works pretty well most of
the time, it gave me two absouletly beautiful children and with the proper
attention, ie a shower, clothes, some time on hair and makeup it can look
pretty damned good if I do say so myself.
But if you were to take me right now and demand that I put on the three
year old bikini I have hiding in the back of my underwear drawer I would not
feel very good about it and might break down if you dared to bring out a camera
to photograph the moment. My hair is
dirty, I have not shaved in three weeks, my stomach is lined with stretch marks
and is nowhere near as tight as it should be (used to be in fact), my skin is
dry and super pale except for where the blotches of red cross it (most noticeable
across my chest), my face has acne, my fingernails are short, there are bags
under my eyes and to top it all off my scrawny toothpick limbs are covered in
bruises and a few scars (all just testaments to my clumsy ability to do just
about anything). So while I might weigh the
same as a supermodel I assure you I cannot compete with them.
Weight is not all there is to beauty. I hate being told that I don’t have anything
to worry about because I am so skinny, especially when this comes from a beautiful
– if larger – woman than me. It is
actually rather surprising how often comments like this are flung my way.
“Not that you would know anything about Spanxs… not with
that skinny figure…” - after two
children you had better believe I know something about Spanx… I have a set in
my closet and would not be caught in something tight fitting without them.
“Clothing shopping must be so easy… you fit everything…” - again bs.
I have broken down in tears in the dressing room of a Target too, just
like you. No clothing company has yet to
figure out women’s bodies, end of story.
“Oh… I shouldn’t eat that, here you finish this, it won’t
hurt you…” as I am handed fries or a piece of cake – When did being thin mean
that I am healthy? Extra sugar, fat,
salt and preservatives can hurt me just as much as you, even if they have less
effect on my dress size. I am still susceptible
to cancer, heart disease, strokes, migraines, PCOS, IBD, reduced immunity,
insomnia, and a whole slew of other nasty health conditions affected by our
diets.
As much as I find these comments annoying I know that they
are normally not said in malice and so I let them slide. There are other comments though, that fall
into what Women’s Health calls ‘Thin Shaming’ that tend to get under my
(blotchy) skin more. I admit that these
kinds of comments have rarely been flung at me directly. However, they are sent to the general public
and toward people that I can relate to, and that still hurts.
“Skinny Bitch”
“Go eat a cheeseburger”
“Little anorexic whore”
Direct and to the point, we get it, we are skinny and you
hate us for it. Those who lob these
kinds of comments are just as likely to lob nasty things at other people as
well, they are often just angry sad people in general, not much more can be
expected of them.
The comments I find most distressing are those that are not
meant to be harmful at all, in fact they often have nothing to do with skinny
girls, directly. It is these comments
that I find to be the most hurtful and the most frustrating.
“Curvy girls are better lovers…”
“Real men like their women with a little meat on their bones…”
“Proud to not be a skeleton…”
I know these statements are out there to help the esteem of
our more voluptuous sisters, but they end up making me want to scream:
“I am a woman too! I
too can be brave, and strong and sexy! I
did not choose to be thin! Stop building
your ego on the crushed ‘skeletons’ of your fellow sisters!”
Somewhere along the line we got wrapped up in summing our
beauty standard up with our silhouettes.
I am more than just my shadow and I wish we would all start realizing
that. I will not subject you to a
lecture about how we should find the beauty on the inside… that is complete bs
if you ask me. We are creatures that
view the world through our senses, sight being one of the most important of
those. But perhaps we should look at
more than just a silhouette when deciding if someone is beautiful. I love to hear people comment on how lovely
my natural red hair is, or how startling my dark blue eyes are, or maybe
compliment me on a great necklace I found… my hair, my eyes, my fashion sense…
I have my beautiful points once you get over the protruding elbow joints. As does every other woman, no matter her
size.
For anyone who knows me this is not a surprise. I do not keep this part of my life locked up in some secret closet. Explaining that I have an eating disorder is not as easy as explaining the complexity of mine though. Most people seem to assume that it means I think I am fat. This is very far from the truth. I am not obsessed with weight, I do not even own a scale. If I were to decide to do something to improve my body it would be working out and putting ON perhaps 10 - 20 pounds, in muscle. I have always been skinny and I have always known it. Most of the time I actually wish I was larger. 
