Gaps in Our Beauty

The Mythical Thigh Gap

  by  topgold 

While wandering through Pintrest one day I came across a pin about attaining The Thigh Gap.  And had a fascinating image, drawn, of a woman's legs with a square drawn between her two legs the one end resting under her rather personal parts.  This piqued my interest.  My thighs aren't supposed to touch?  When did this happen?

I did what any real researcher would and went straight to Wikipedia and learned the answer, and felt a little better because according to them it really started being a thing only about two years ago.  Thanks to a Victoria's Secret fashion show (of course) when several models sported this 'gap'.  Apparently afterward the internet started buzzing with the term and has been ever since.

Well I, like everyone else, decided to check to see if I had this desired gap in my beauty.  I stood up, put my knees together and low and behold, I have a gap!  It does not rise as far as my unmentionables but pretty close... look at that I have a desirable beauty aspect.  I did not even know it, and I barely ever show it off.  Dresses that fall above my knees are generally not part of my wardrobe (I have to bend over too much to take care of small children and don't want those unmentionable parts of me to suddenly become the topic of the local grocery store).  And pants that are tight enough to show it off, are 1.  surprisingly hard to find for me & 2.  uncomfortable.

I might have taken a few moments to puff up a little at this realization but it quickly dissolved.  This is an absolutely ridiculous beauty standard. 

What really got to me was the Wikipedia entry that stated it is associated with 'femininity and fragility'.  Fragility!?  I don't want this!  Why is fragility associated with beauty?  Shouldn't I be strong?  I want these thighs...

Photo from this site

Thighs that will fill out my jeans and my tight skirts...

Thighs that will stay together when you sit down, so you do not show off the color of your underwear or unknowingly give out invitations you had not meant to send...

Thighs that will strike fear in any man who even thinks of assaulting me because I could easily ram my knee with such force into his groin that he will sing soprano for a week... or strangle him between my legs...

Powerful, beautiful, womanly thighs...

But instead I am stuck with this stupid thigh gap.  I risk showing off my unmentionables when I wear a skirt.  Dropping something into my lap might mean fishing for it on the chair because it falls between my legs. 

So while you admire my thigh gap (when it actually gets shown off) and secretly do your squats or thigh crunches or whatever exercise you are supposed to do to get delicate waif like thighs of mine... just know that secretly I am drooling over your satisfyingly full thighs. 

Adventures in Sourdough Part 2: The Bread

Now that you have a sourdough starter turning out beautiful yeasty bubbles on your counter you are ready to make some bread.  I went through a few attempts before I finally found this recipe. 

I nabbed this recipe from The Good Hearted Woman, and have only made a few tweaks of my own to make it fit into my schedule better.

 

 

So lets get baking!


Collecting all the ingredients, yes I have a thing for green

First gather up the ingredients, this doesn't take long...

• 3/4 cup sourdough starter, unfed & room temperature
• 1 cup water
• 3 cups flour
• 1 Tbsp maple syrup (or honey)
• 1 1/2 tsp salt

Take all of that and mix it together in your stand mixer, with the dough hook.  Once it is thoroughly mixed let it stand for 20 minutes. 

Using the dough hook knead the bread for 10 minutes.  While you are kneading it (or the machine is) oil a large bowl for the dough to rise in.

Once the dough is smooth and elastic transfer it to the bowl and turn it over so every side is coated in a thin layer of oil.  This dough can be pretty sticky I usually remove my rings and sometimes oil my hands before handling it. 



Dough transferred to bowl

Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and let it rise.  The original recipe said for six hours... but this was not working for me.  The half hour of preparation time, a six hour rise followed by another two hour rise and then an hour of baking meant this bread took 9 1/2 hours to complete, to have this ready for dinner time, which happens around 6pm at our house, I would have to start it at about 8am, which is before my kids wake up and thus not going to happen.  If the 6 hours works for your schedule great.  I have started preparing the bread before I go to bed and then letting it rise overnight and this has worked great.

Doubled in size, after rising 6 hours

Once it has doubled in size it is ready to be formed into a round loaf.  Again be careful because it can be sticky still.  Form into a loaf and place on a square of parchment paper, or a silicone mat.  If you are going to bake this in a Dutch Oven use the parchment paper (not wax paper, I learned the hard way that wax paper will simply adhere itself to the crust of your bread... whoops).  If you do not have parchment paper or a Dutch Oven you will want to put it on a silicone baking mat atop a cookie sheet, use a baking stone and then a large oven proof pan to put over the bread during the first half of the bake (I used my crock pot liner). 

Getting ready for the final rise

Using a wet serrated knife cut a few slices in the top of the bread.  Cover the loaf with a damp cloth and allow to rise for another two hours. 

During the last 30 minutes or so of this rise put the Dutch Oven or baking stone into the oven and then turn it on to 450 degrees F.  Let the oven heat up with the Dutch Oven or baking stone. 

Once the oven is fully heated take the Dutch Oven out and very carefully lift the loaf up by the corners of the parchment paper and place inside the pot.  Or transfer the baking sheet with the loaf on it onto the baking stone.  Cover the loaf with either the lid to the Dutch Oven or that large oven proof pan we talked about before.  Bake for 12 - 13 minutes then remove the lid and bake for another 12 - 13 minutes. 



Cooling

Once the crust is a nice golden brown take it out and immediately put on a wire rack to cool.  DO NOT cut into the loaf until it has cooled at least 30 minutes, it continues baking on the countertop. 

Finally, slice and enjoy a piece of the wonderful homemade sourdough bread you have worked so hard on.





A quick recap:



Well isn't that beautiful!?


Mix ingredients in stand mixer
Allow to stand for 20 minutes
Knead in stand mixer for 10 minutes
Put in oiled bowl and let rise for 6 or more hours (until doubled)
Form into round loaf and place on parchment paper
Let rise another 2 hours
Place Dutch Oven into oven and preheat to 450
Place loaf (using parchment paper) into Dutch Oven, cover with lid
Bake 12 - 13 minutes
Remove lid bake another 12 - 13 minutes
Cool on rack for 30 minutes



Adventures in Sourdough Part 1: Building your Starter

I have stated before that I have an eating disorder, for me at least one thing that helps is surrounding myself with good food.  Choosing to eat is much easier when the food you have to choose from is appetizing.  Cooking the food also helps, putting all the time and energy into selecting recipes, going to the store, and finally making the food makes it easier to eat, no sense in wasting all of that time and effort.  So cooking great food is highly therapeutic.

During our recent move I was unable to do much cooking, I did not have the time, energy and as the house got packed the supplies, to cook much more than Hamburger Helper.  This is edible of course, but not exactly inspiring.  So when we finally got settled into our new home I started cooking like crazy.  In fact I just pulled the fifth loaf of sourdough bread out of my oven, and it looks very very tasty.  This journey into making sourdough bread has been full of fun little mistakes, learning experiences and pretty yummy pay outs, so I thought I would share it with you. 

Why Sourdough?

There has been a lot of buzz lately about sourdough breads.  According to Real Food Forager the fermentation of the starter and then the long rise required for these breads makes them healthier than most breads.  They contain high levels of lactic acid, the starches and gluten are more broken down making them easier to digest (possibly even for those with gluten sensitivities, but please talk to your doctor before running out and eating every sourdough loaf around if you have a gluten sensitivity), and it might even help regulate your blood glucose levels. 

Oh and then there is the great benefit that it just tastes great!  When baked to perfection sourdough is a soft tangy bubble of bread wrapped up in a crunchy golden crust.  What more could you want?

This all sounds too good to be true, and maybe it is.  I am not going to lie, the process to get that perfect loaf of sourdough can be a bit... lengthy.  This is not an adventure for the impatient. 

Your Sourdough Starter

Before you can even think about making a beautiful loaf of sourdough you first have to get a starter built up. 

For those of you unfamiliar with baking sourdough let me try and simplify what a starter is exactly.  This is a small amount of bread dough that has been allowed to sit and ferment, making a lovely culture of yeast, bacteria and enzymes.  Once the starter is fully stable you will bake only using a small part of the starter the rest will be saved and regularly fed to keep it active and ready for whenever you want to bake another one of these heavenly loaves. 

The easiest way to do this is to obtain a portion of an already established starter.  If you are really lucky you know a friend or family member who has a little jar of fermenting bread dough on their counter, they would probably be happy to let you take a cup or so home to start your own adventures.  Otherwise you can buy a starter.  Some bakeries will sell them, or you can find places online to purchase one, such as the one by King Arthur Flour. 

If you cannot get your hands on a free starter, and either do not feel like paying for one or just really want the experience of making it completely from scratch (in other words you are slightly sadistic, like me), you can whip up your own starter at home, for what probably comes to mere pennies (no I have not actually figured up the price, but it's cheap).  The only issue is it will take about a week to get really ready, so be patient.

Starter Instructions

I read a lot of sites describing how they began their own starters and of course no one agreed on what the proper technique is.  What I came away with was the understanding that there is no one set way to make a starter and that they really are forgiving concoctions.  I merged together a few different techniques and found what I felt was the easiest way to make a starter (this already took a week to prepare, I felt that any additional steps were just going to annoy me more). 

This is my starter jar

Equipment

• A decent sized jar
• This jar should be glass or ceramic, I prefer glass as I can see inside the jar easily.  It needs a lid, this can be a lid that comes with it, a cheese cloth or even a paper towel held on with a rubber band, just something to keep things from falling in the starter.
• A spoon or whisk
• Many sites recommend a wooden spoon, but really anything to mix the dough in the jar you have chosen will work fine.
• Water
• Distilled is probably better, although filtered tap water is probably just as good, and even straight tap water is fine.
• Flour
• Just about any type of flour is fine.  I used non-bleached all purpose flour. 
• Patience
• I have said it before but this bears repeating, it will take at least 7 days before you can bake your first loaf.

Instructions

• Mix your first batch
• Add 1/2 cup of flour and 1/3 cup of water in the jar and mix thoroughly.
• Feed your batch regularly
• Every 12 hours add another 1/2 cup of flour and 1/3 cup of water and mix well.
• Cover the jar
• The batch needs to breathe to collect all of those good natural yeasts and bacteria, but it does not need to collect flies.  Secure a paper towel or cheese cloth to the top or simply put the lid on slightly askew.
• Maintain a proper amount
• Keep the jar about half full, if after mixing the jar is more than half full remove enough volume to maintain a half full status.  This extra starter should simply be gotten rid of until you have the starter fully stabilized, once it is stabilized you can use this extra starter to bake with, or give to a friend if you do not want to throw it away. 
• Do not get scared about the Hooch
• A brown liquid might form on the top, this is called 'hooch'.  Mixing it back into the starter is perfectly fine.  If this liquid ever turns strange green colors instead of brown the starter has been compromised by harmful bacteria and you should get rid of the starter. 
• Watch for signs of 'Life' 
• For the first few days there will be perhaps a few bubbles but very little will appear to go on.  Around day four or so it should bubble up a little and will then appear to 'die'.  For the next few days feeding it will seem to create no results, but this is part of the process.  Between day 7 and day 10 it will almost magically bounce back into life and will start doubling in size after each feeding (which is why you should keep your jar only half full). 
• Once it has begun doubling in size regularly it is stable and ready to use!

Maintenance

• If you are going to bake pretty regularly with your starter, say at least once a week, you will be best leaving the jar out on the counter and feeding it once a day.  The same 1/2 cup of flour and 1/3 cup of water each day should do it.  Do not fret if you forget for a day or two, just feed it when you remember and make sure it bounces back.
• If you only plan on baking sourdough now and then put the jar in the refrigerator with the lid fully on once it is stable.  The night before you want to bake pull it out, feed it and let it sit on the counter until you bake. 
• Remember to feed it each time you remove some of the starter to bake with as well. 

Notes

• I wrap a rubber band around my jar when I feed it, marking the level of the starter, this way I can be sure it is doubling in size. 
• When I made my starter I did not realize it would 'die' for a few days... I ran out of flour... and got very discouraged... so I stopped feeding it for about two days.  A thick hooch formed on the top and when I finally got around to getting more flour I fed it again with little hope.  The next morning I woke up and found it had bubbled up delightfully and has been going strong since!  They are forgiving cultures!

Once you have a lovely bubbly starter, no matter where it came from, you will be ready to bake, finally!  All this work will be worth it, I promise.  In a few days I will post up the recipe for my bread, so keep watching and good luck getting that starter going!

Skinny Mommy and Distance Triage

The other night, around midnight, I was working on my blog when I heard a loud thud come from upstairs, followed by my three year old son crying.  I waited a minute, my husband was in the next room (if not for a wall the beds are actually only like 5 feet apart) and I was hoping he would be roused and go see what the problem was.  When I heard nothing, men can sleep through anything it seems, I went upstairs and found my darling little boy trying to pull himself back into bed, with a delightful little trail of blood dotting his sheets to show his progression. 

He had fallen out of bed, which is actually less than a foot from the ground since it is only a twin mattress on the floor, and apparently landed face first on the hard wood floor, busting open both upper and lower lips.  Dad, finally, heard the commotion and I took care of the boy while he changed the sheets.  Maybe fifteen minutes and a failed attempt at getting ice on those already bulging lips he was curled back up in bed fast asleep.  It will be fun to see just how large his little lips get by tomorrow morning, we might have popsicles for breakfast. 

This got me thinking about how I handle the potential 'emergencies' my children get themselves into rather regularly.  I am the mom who sits on the bench at the playground, when my child falls down, even the little 1.5 year old, I bend my head to make visual confirmation and most of the time do little more than talk to them from the bench.  Sometimes I get raised eyebrows at my non-reaction from other moms.  However, despite what they might think my mind is quickly assessing the situation to determine the level of assistance I need to provide.

Photo Education News

1. Are the immediate surroundings safe?  Has my child fallen down in a crosswalk, or at the bottom of the slide with ten other antsy children bounding at the top, or half way down a flight of stairs?  Or have they fallen down in the middle of a sandbox, or a sidewalk that is otherwise empty, or in the middle of my living room?  If they seem to be in a situation where getting up or not moving fast enough might cause further injury to them I get my skinny tush off the bench and collect my child.  Otherwise I let them get up on their own time.
2. Is there blood?  Blood always gets me going.  One drop or a full out gush, it does not matter.  I need to at least wipe the area off and determine just what the wound that decided to leak my babies life blood looks like.  I infect easily and I am not trying to find out if I passed that trait on to my children just yet, so a leaking wound often at least gets a dab of antibiotic ointment and a Band-Aid.  So far nothing has needed stitches... so far... but I am prepared to pack them in the car and head to the nearest medical center when that is needed.  If there is no blood I sit still and continue my observations.
3. How do those limbs look?  Next I will do a quick survey of those precious little arms and legs and such.  Making sure nothing looks outright broken, twisted, swollen, overly red or already showing signs of bruising.  This is also the point when I start looking at the evidence my child is giving me.  Is he/she cradling a specific body part, or perhaps even saying that a specific body part hurts?  If any of these signs seems apparent I will again get involved, and if the baby has taken a really hard hit (I heard the thud from across the house kind of hit) I inspect her decently up close. 
4. Can the kid get up and move around on their own?  So the kid is in a safe place to temporarily recover from the fall, they do not appear to be bleeding, and there is no obvious sign that anything has been broken.  My next step is to coax the kid to stand up.  If they seem reluctant I tell the to stand up and come to me.  They can get hugs and kisses to make them feel better, and I get a chance to make sure all that fussing is because they are scared and not actually hurt by watching how they get up and walk.  If they are very reluctant, and not just being dramatic (my son can really ham it up), I will again get up and go to them. 

Most of the time I do not have to get up.  Kids are pretty rubbery, they can get banged up and keep going. 

I also find my method of assessing from a distance has a few benefits.  First my kids learn how to pick themselves up and go on.  They are not afraid to get hurt a little and try new things.  Second, it saves me from having to get up every. single. time. I spend enough of my day running after them, cleaning up after them, and otherwise on my feet.  If I can sit on the bench at the playground or on my couch for half an hour and everyone is still alive... well that sounds like a perfect way to spend an afternoon. 

Supporting vs. Slandering: Miss Indiana 2014

I do not have television so sometimes I am a bit behind on world events, so this story just came to my attention:

During the Miss USA 2014 competition this weekend Miss Indiana, gained a lot of attention in social media.  She did this by flaunting her so called 'normal' body in a bikini. 

Let me start off by saying... God she's gorgeous.  I would LOVE to have that body, and if I worked out I probably could.  I also will state that I did not watch this competition and have no idea what the other competitors looked like.  However, I found some of the support for her bordering on that thin shaming edge I have written about before. 

One such tweet went as follows:

"okay miss Indiana was the most human and not a stick and she didn't make it"

'Most human' !?  Somehow being thin makes us less than human?  Even without seeing the competition I am certain that non of them were any less human than Miss Indiana, perhaps there was less actual mass than her, but certainly not less humanity.  Humanity should really be judged by one of two criteria, either our DNA or the amount of compassion we extend to those around us.  Putting a girl in a swimsuit is no way to judge her basic right to the title 'human'.

And nearly every single tweet on the article I linked to mentioned 'stick'.  I hate this term, it always makes me think of a little dead twig you find in the yard, probably with a few soggy wet leaves hanging on it sadly. 

Thin, or skinny, does not necessarily equate to little dead inhuman things.  It does not even immediately mean that you are unhealthy.  Stop shaming us for being small.  Not that I have any problem with getting excited over seeing some different body shapes showing up in arenas that speak of beauty.  It IS a shame that these pageants seem to only represent one specific demographic of beauty.  But please remember that the skinny girls have feelings too. 

Suitor or Stalker... and How Do We Know?

I was scrolling through #YesAllWomen on Facebook last night and one of the posts caught my eye.  At the time, of course, I just clicked on it, read it and moved on.  Since then it has stayed with me.  Regrettably I was unable to relocate that post today but even without the link I am sure most of you understand the subject all too well.

The post was about all the various, and although non-violent, annoying responses they get when turning a man down.  Those times when 'No you can't have my number...' are followed by 'But I'll make it worth your while...' or when after a bad date you stop returning their phone calls and suddenly you notice their car outside your window, or find unwanted flowers at your office. 



Heath Ledger in 'Ten Things I Hate About You'

This made me immediately think of countless romantic comedy movies I have watched over the years.  Movies where the leading female character is too fixated on her career or her previously broken heart to see Mr. Wonderful standing in front of her.  She spends half of the movie turning him down.  While he is so in love with her that he simply cannot give up.  Finally his escapades work and she caves, often with a deal that if she goes out with him once she never has to talk to him again.  Of course they fall madly in love with each other and live happily ever after. 

Mark Wahlberg in 'Fear'
http://wrennswritebrainers.com/2014/02/11/messed-up-movie-romances/

On the flip side we have all seen movies, often on Lifetime, showing the other side of that coin.  The movies where Mr. Wonderful quickly turns into Mr. Stalker.  There is no happily ever after and the lead female spends the last half of this movie changing her phone number, her address, her name and praying that Stalker-boy does not find her.  Of course he does, and from there the chances of her surviving the film can be determined by flipping a coin. 

Every woman I have ever known has had an experience that walks this fine line.  Weight, age, race, even current relationship status mean nothing.  I was actually rather young when I had my first run in with one of these hopelessly 'romantic' guys.

I was a freshman in high school when an upper classman began to cast his eyes my way.  He was a tall strong boy and rather outspoken, he also was not overly popular.  We got to know each other because his older sister would drive us to an after school activity we were both involved in.  I simply was not interested.  But he asked me out, many times, and I always said no as politely as I could, I needed his sister as a ride you know. 

I do not recall the actual progression of things anymore but I do recall a few events that really stuck out.  He would stick notes in my locker through the little slots at the top, and once figured out how to break into my locker, around Valentines Day, and put a note and a few chocolate roses in it.  This might have been romantic, but I wasn't interested and sending me notes and chocolates was something a boyfriend would do, it was creepy.  I realized by things he said that he was checking up on me too, asking my friends where I was and what I was doing.  Once he even carved my first initial in his calf, which was somehow supposed to impress me.  It didn't. 

I distinctly recall being invited to his birthday party one year.  I got very few social invitations and so I went.  His family lived on a farm so there was a large plot of land to roam around on.  At one point someone suggested it would be fun to play hide-and-seek.  All of the places I hid were close to the house, I remember thinking that I did not want to be found too far away from the others.  What exactly I thought might happen I'm not sure.  But I was a girl, and as a girl you pick up on certain survival skills, and that night I just knew that getting too far away was not safe.  Luckily nothing happened that night, and eventually he got the message that I was not going to 'cave in'.  Years later it was apparent that he was still interested but was no longer persistent.  I suffered mostly from some very awkward and uncomfortable situations. 

How is a girl to know though?  In our culture it really is a gamble... is that guy who won't leave you alone really in love with you?  Are you ignoring Mr. Wonderful from the romantic comedy?  Or are you steering clear of a Lifetime Movie villain who will terrorize your life and possibly do much worse? 

My Eating Disorder is Not About My Weight

I have an eating disorder.  Note I say 'have' not 'had'.  I often relate it to alcoholism.  There really is no cure, there are simply times in my life when I have it under control and times when I don't have it under control, but it is something I am going to struggle with my entire life. 

For anyone who knows me this is not a surprise.  I do not keep this part of my life locked up in some secret closet.  Explaining that I have an eating disorder is not as easy as explaining the complexity of mine though.  Most people seem to assume that it means I think I am fat.  This is very far from the truth.  I am not obsessed with weight, I do not even own a scale.  If I were to decide to do something to improve my body it would be working out and putting ON perhaps 10 - 20 pounds, in muscle.  I have always been skinny and I have always known it.  Most of the time I actually wish I was larger. 

No for me eating, or not eating, is much more complicated.  For me the issue is related to control instead of body image.  I do best when my life is organized, orderly, and predictable.  Unfortunately this is a luxury none of us can maintain very long.  Life's inherent chaos makes me anxious and one of the nasty manifestations of this anxiety is an eating disorder. 

The experience, for me at least, is highly physical.  When I get overly anxious it is like I am experiencing morning sickness, or a nasty case of food poisoning.  The smell of food often makes me reel, the greasier the worse it gets.  Sometimes the mere sight of food can turn my stomach upside down.  If I try to actually eat in this state I find that the mere process of chewing food can make me gag (calorie intake then gets regulated to soft foods and liquids, things like milk, yogurt and soup).  Simply forcing myself to eat is not enough either, because it has a nasty habit of coming back up.  I cannot tell you how many nights, or early mornings (times when the anxiety is often worst) I have spent hovering over a toilet, despite the fact that nothing was actually wrong with my physically. 

At one point in my life this anxiety driven eating disorder got completely out of control, my freshman year of college.  I lost the freshman fifteen instead of gaining it, which dropped me below 100 lbs.  At that point I did seek help, through the college mental health services.  In the end though I finally realized I was starving myself and that I had to snap out of it.  I learned relaxation techniques and I am working still at simply trying to accept the things which I cannot control, and focus my energies on controlling what I can (in a healthy way).  I have not gotten completely out of control since, although I still have days, or sometimes months to be honest, when I skip meals, wake up with dry heaves and force myself to nibble on some cottage cheese when I can. 

So when I tell you that I have an eating disorder do not automatically assume that it means I think I am fat.  It means that I am anxious and scared, just like you probably are.  It's just that for some reason in my body that anxiety makes food my enemy.  The medical community does not seem to recognize this, of all the listed types of eating disorders only binge eating does not seem to have obsession with being thin listed as a symptom, and I definitely do not suffer from binge eating. 

It would be great to hear from others who have an uncommon eating disorder out there.  Maybe one day the connection between control, anxiety and our eating habits will be better understood.